Jokes

I know a really great guy, really clever - he’s just invented a talking bookcase.

Speaks volumes.

An English cat named ‘1,2,3’ and a French cat named ‘un,deux,trois’ decided to swim across the channel to see who was the better swimmer.

Who won?

1,2,3 won because un,deux,trois cat sank.

I've started the Adam Ant diet. Quite tough, you don't chew ever, don't chew ever...

My mate works as a stripper who turns up at hen dos and stands next to the hen at the exact same angle as her.

He's a parallelogram.

My Mum always said "40 is the new 30".

Lovely woman. Banned from driving.

While in Hong Kong , an American man is very sexually promiscuous with the local hookers and does not use a condom the entire time he is there. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here in the US , we know very little about it.”

The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”

The doctor answers, “I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.”

The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!”

The doctor replies, “Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only option.”

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease.”

The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my pride and joy!”

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American doctor, always want operate. Make more money . No need to amputate!”

“Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.

“Yes,” says the Chinese doctor, “Wait two weeks Falls off by itself!”

A man escapes from prison where he had been locked up for 15 years..
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that prison had changed him, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”

Sky news just said if you're going outside, take food, warm clothing and stay in your car. I was only going to put the rubbish in the bin, this is going to take ages now.

"Well, Miss Ramsbottom," says the doctor. “I've got good news and bad news for you, which would you like first?”

The woman says, “Well, give me the good news first Doctor.”

The doctor answers, “I'm pleased, to tell you that you are six weeks pregnant.”

The woman is shocked. “Really?!”
The doctor replies, “Yes"
“And the, bad news?" say the woman.
"Is your husband an athlete by any chance?" says the doctor. The woman nods
The doctor takes a deep breath. “Well, I have to tell you know that you have a case of Athletes Cunt but we can treat it. Take these pills for six weeks but you must not have sex with him and you will be fine.”
The woman leaves his surgery with the pills.
The doctor gets on the phone to his friend who is also a doctor.
“Matt, I think I've had first in my surgery a woman married to an athlete just been in to see me. She's six weeks pregnant and she also had Athlete's Cunt! never seen that before.”
“Oh, really?” his mate exclaims. “must have been a coincidence. I've just had a athlete in he had a first for me too. I've never had a case of VD of the Big Toe before!”

My friend tried to scrape ice from his windscreen this morning using his Tesco club card. He got 10% off..