Jokes

I was impressed by the Instagram account of the sexy girl in the gym and so I followed her immediately.

"Who are you and what do you want?" she said as she opened the door of her house.

My Wife gave Birth to a Daughter this morning.
So I sent her Sister a text to let her know.
"Congrats. You're an Aunt" I wrote.
"Oh wow" She replied.
"Sex?"
"Yeah OK. Friday...Bring Wine!!

Why does mineral water that has trickled through the mountains for centuries have a use by date on the bottle ?

I did a bit of decorating today, I used my step ladder.
I don't get on with my real ladder.

I pulled a heavy duty munter last night down the boozer .

Fuck me she looked like she'd been ducking for apples in a chip pan... had more hands up her than Sooty... been set on fire and put out with a golf shoe... got a face that could make an onion cry... so big I couldn't ride her into battle... seen more japs eyes than an oriental optician... a face like a stuntmans knee... a Fanny like a yawning donkey... that ugly not even a sniper would take her out... been shot over more times than Sarejevo... has a pair of flaps on her like a gutted trout... Been cocked more times than Elmer Fudd's shotgun... an arse like a bag of spanners... a belly bigger than a bank horse...

But wey hey a shags a shag

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo ?

One's really heavy, the other a little lighter.

Bought the wife a pug dog as a pet.

Despite the squashed nose,the bulging eyes and rolls of fat,the dog actually seemed to like her !

Whatever people say, Trump is nothing like Hitler.

Trump could never write a book.

A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

Geordie answered, "Aye, I was a canny salesman back in Newcassell!"

The manager liked Geordie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was busy, but he got through it. After closing time the manager appeared and asked, "So how many sales did you make today?"

Geordie said, "Just the one, marra."

The manager groaned, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day! How much was the sale for?"

"£124,237.64!" replied Geordie.

The manager choked and exclaimed, "£124,237.64?? What the hell did you sell him?"

"Well, forst I selt him a smaal fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I selt him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was gannin' fishing and he said doon at the coast, so I telt him he would need a boat, so we went doon tiv the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his HondaCivic would pull it, so I took him doon tiv the car sales and I selt him the 4 x 4 Suzuki."

The manager, incredulous, said, "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you ended up selling him a boat and a 4x4?"

"Nah, nah......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his missus, and I said, 'Well, since ya weekend's fucked, you might as well gan fishing..'"

My new girlfriend suddenly froze when I dipped my fingers in a pot of KY Jelly and stuck them in her arse for the first time.

"Pull them out, now!" she demanded.

"Don't you like it?" I asked.

"No," she replied, storming out of Tesco.