Jokes

My wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.

I told her I was looking for cheap flights.

"I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited,

She quickly undressed and we had the most amazing sex ever....

Which is odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before.

A man heads off fishing early one Saturday morning, as he does every Saturday. Half-way up the road it's starts to absolutely chuck it down. 'Fuck this', he thinks and turns back. He gets into the house, climbs back into bed and snuggles up to his still asleep wife again.

'It's an awful morning out there, love'

'I know, ha, and that stupid cunt's out fishing in it'

I got fired on my first day as a masseur today. Apparently the instruction 'finish off on her face' didn't mean what I thought it did

I was chatting up a Gypsy bird in the pub last night, when she asked if I'd like to go back to her place & have a good time.

She wasn't fuckin kidding either!!

I went on the waltzer, the dodgems & the ghost train.

I even came home with a goldfish!

I was down the gym this morning when I noticed a hole in my trainer just big enough to get my finger in..

Anyway she has now made a formal complaint and I am barred for life.

Scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.

I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

I phoned the police the other day.

"What's your emergency?" they asked

I said "There's two girls fighting over me."

"Ok" she paused "Well what's the problem?"

"The fat one's winning."

Calvin Rickson an Engineer from Texas A&M University has designed a bra that keeps women’s breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down and stops nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

After a news conference announcing the invention a large group of men took Mr Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him

My wife suggested for sex we do something from a song.

Her friend Eileen wasn't to happy about it.

“I love you loads, honey pie.” My wife said earlier.

“And I love you tons.” I replied.

“What, no nickname for me?” She asked.

Sometimes I swear the fat cow’s going deaf.