Jokes

Gary Barlow's just blocked me on twitter, no idea why.

Whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn't mean it.

My mate went to an industrial tribunal to claim for work related hearing loss.
Two months later and he still hasn't heard anything.

Reading a book on the development of superglue. Can't put it down.

My mate had an accident and his ear was ripped off.
The only thing the surgeons had to replace it with that was compatible was a pigs ear.
Saw him a few weeks after the operation and asked him how it was.
"It's ok," he said "but I get a bit of crackling now and then."

What’s big and green and kills you if it falls out of a tree onto your head....





A snooker table..

*runs away*

Three nuns are sitting on a park bench

A man comes up and exposes himself to them

Two of them have a stroke...but the third one couldn’t reach!

I was talking to my milkman the other day who told me he has had sex with every woman on his route bar 1! I asked my wife about it and she said “I bet it’s that bitch at number 32!”

A woman brings 10-year-old Johnny home after he was caught playing doctor with her 10-year-old daughter. Johnny's mum says "Let's not be too harsh on them, they are bound to be curious about sex?" "Curious about sex?" She replies "He's taken her fucking appendix out!"

Just hired an Eastern European cleaner. She took 5 hours to hoover the house.

Turns out she was a Slovak.

Two nuns riding a tandem bike down a bumpy road.

One turns round to the other and says “oh I’ve never come this way before”

“Must be the cobbles” says the other nun.