Jokes

Someone nicked my gate yesterday. I was going to chase him down but I thought he might take a fence.

A bloke goes to the doctors because his cock has turned orange.

The doc says: "There must be an eternal cause for this. Do you spend any free time around chemicals?"
Patient: "No, I don't go near them."
Doc: "Hmmm, how about at home? Have you come into contact with any sort of dye?"
Patient: "No, nothing like that."
Doc: "How about at work?"
Patient: "No, I'm unemployed."
Doc: "Well what do you do with your time?"
Patient: "Mostly just sit around eating Wotsits and wanking."

Back in the woods, a redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon a baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's Yet another one to come."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern... It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor,
"Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"

My job is to drill holes in things and then bolt them together.

At first it’s boring but later on it’s riveting...

I would advise against using ‘beefstew’ as your internet banking password.

It just isn’t stroganoff.

Well, that’s just like me isn’t it? I was brewing beer and now I’ve bottled it.

Street I was brought up on has renumbered all the houses. I saw today 64k, 128k, 256k.

It was a real trip down memory lane.

I had a row with my acupuncturist. It got so bad, I stabbed him. He said he'd never felt better.

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said: "That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair." the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister: "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiled and said: "That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas."