Jokes

My Psychiatrist I have been told can be a right condescending bastard,the last time I saw him he told me I suffered from 'emotional constitipation'.I told him frankly I couldn't give a shit.

it's a shame Alexander Graham Bell wasn't from Los Angeles...

Call-a-phone-ya

horsey, or not horsey?

that is equestrian

Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the Shower and slipped on the Bathroom floor tiles.

Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suction-cupped herself to the Bathroom Floor.

She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce..! Bruce..!" Bruce came running in.

"Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor," she said.

"S'truth," Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck real fast, girl"...!

I'll go across the road and get Cobber (his mate)."

They came back and they both tried to pull her up.

"No way, we can't do it," Cobber said, "So let's try Plan B"..??

"Plan B," exclaimed Bruce, "S'truth, what's that"..???

"I'll go home and get my Hammer and Chisel and we'll break the Floor Tiles under her," replied Cobber.

"Spot on," Bruce said, "while you're doing that, I'll stay here and Play with her Nipples."

"Play with her Nipples"..???

Cobber said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate"...!

"No," Bruce replied,

"But I reckon if I can get her Wet enough, we can slide her into the Kitchen where the Tiles are less expensive".

I said to my mate, "you know Björn, Benny, Agnetha & Anni-Frid? they were Scottish"

my mate says, no, they were from Sweden",

I said, "THEY WERE FROM ABBA, DEAN!"

people keep getting offended when I don't agree with their choice of laundry detergent, I think they should stop taking it so Persil-nally

What happens when you cross a Dog’s DNA with Human DNA?

You get arrested and banned from the RSPCA!

As I lay in bed I was gently nodding off when I felt a warm hand slip inside my boxer shorts and gently start to caress my balls. It was very nice, but I wasn't in the mood. "Not tonight" I said "I'm tired."

"It doesn't quite work like that in here" said my cellmate.

Fell asleep at a party last night and someone put a teabag in my mouth.

I'm furious...

Nobody treats me like a mug!!