Jokes

I went to the doctors suffering from premature ejaculation, he said it must be very stressful for your wife. I said, to be perfectly honest it's getting on her tits.

Little Harry walked into the bathroom and saw his mum with no clothes on standing in front of him. He looked up at her private parts and said, "What's that mum?"

His mum froze and tried to think of something to say. Finally she said, "That's where your dad hit me with an axe!"

"Good shot!" replied little Harry, "Right in the cunt!"

Man & his wife at a wedding & there's a bloke out on the floor on his todd dancing away having the time of his life.

The wife say to the husband "See him over there. He asked me to marry him 20 years ago. I turned him down"

The husband says "Looks like he's still fuckin celebrating!"

The Doctor put my wife on a new pill and now we have sex every night..

Its fucking awesome!!

It doesnt matter what position we are in,nothing wakes her ...

apparently, Michael Jackson secretly volunteered at a hospital call centre in his last few months,
he'd regularly answer the phone by saying, "A&E, are you ok? A&E, are you ok? are you ok? A&E"

My girlfriend is a terrible driver,absolutely fucking awful so bad she's like an accident waiting to happen.I would love to tell her but I just wouldn't like to be the one that stands in her way.

After 5 years of not knowing where our son was we got the dreaded knock on the door.

The little fucker had found us.

A girl returns to her family home in Cork after years of estrangement to find her father standing in the doorstep

Father: "We haven't seen you in years. Before I let you back in this house you have to explain what path in life has kept you away with no contact for so long"

The daughter looks to the ground and wells up with tears

"I can't, it's too shameful"

Father: "I'm still your father, love. Whisper it to my ear if you're ashamed"

The girl leans to her father's ear and begins to whisper as a dark cloud falls over her father's face

After hearing what she had to say he roars with anger "Get out of my sight, you're no daughter of mine!!!"

Desperate, the daughter breaks down in tears.."father....I'm so sorry!! I had no money and nowhere to go and had no choice but to become a prostitute!"

Father: "PROSTITUTE?? Fuck me love, I thought you said you'd become a protestant. Come on in, I'll put the kettle on"

Got very emotional at the petrol station today.

Started filling up and everything.