Jokes

BREAKING NEWS

Police in Liverpool today pulled over a local lad and were amazed to find the car taxed tested and insured.

It wasn't stolen and there was no stolen goods or drugs found.

The driver was sober.

He had a full licence and no points.

A police spokesman said they had no option but to fine him £80 for wasting police time.

I met my current bit-on-the-side on one of those dating App things where I was immediately interested in her when on her Job Description she put down 'Puppeteer'.I pointed out to her I was only interested in a relationship with 'no strings attached'.

I'm starting to think my G.P believes I've been taking hallucinating drugs.A little dickie bird told me that.

I once asked a Southern girl to rate my listening skills.

She said, “you’re an eight on a scale of ten”.

To this day I have no idea why she wanted me pee on a skeleton...

I went to the library earlier today & asked the assistant if they had a book titled 'How to Handle Rejection Without the need to use Violence'.

I’ve just seen 8 legs of venison for sale...£145.

Do you think that’s 2 deer?

Just been asked by a group of teenagers outside the Co-op if I would get them 20 Richmonds. Reluctantly I agreed and got them.

I handed them over and you should have heard the aggressive abuse they then gave me! So I told them “Next time, get your own sausages!”.

I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.

I recently became addicted to Viagra.

My wife has taken it really hard.