Jokes

Just bought myself a luxury first aid kit

Thought I’d treat myself...

Monday - Greg
Tuesday - Ian
Wednesday - Greg
Thursday - Ian
Friday - Greg
Saturday - Ian
Sunday - Greg

That’s the Gregorian calendar

Boy George after seeing [insert someone funny here]:

"Hahahahahahaha, comedian
You comical, you comical
Laughing is easy since your jokes were like my dreams
bad, old, and green, just like our queen"

I remember fondly when I was a youngster my dad gave me a lecture about 'being able to stand up for myself' & in certain situations 'I should fight fire with fire'.It probably explains why he was sacked on his first day as a Fireman.

I got fired from my job at Pepsi after I tested positive for Coke.

Bought my mate an elephant for his room.

He said ‘Thanks’

I said ‘don’t mention it’...

My girlfriend has her own taser...

She’s a real stunner.

met a woman in my garden, right by my door, I said "what's your name?"

she said, "Patty, yo"

Why can’t you trick an unemployed jester?

Because he’s nobody’s fool.

My sex life is like my debit card..

I used to slide it into the slot, press all the right buttons and get what I needed

Now it’s all contactless...