Jokes

Ralph comes home pissed one night, stumbles upstairs, slides into bed beside his sleeping wife and falls into a deep slumber.

He awoke standing at the pearly gates before st peter. "You died in your sleep ralph" st peter explains.

"What... no this can’t be!" Ralph cries "I've so much to live for... please send me back"

St peter explains that the only way Ralph is allowed back is in the form of a chicken.
Devastated but desperate to see his family again he asks to be sent to a small farm near his house.

Next thing ralph knows he's covered in feathers, clucking and pecking around in the dirt on a warm summers morning.

A rooster strolls past and says "so you're the new hen? Hows your first day?" Ralph the hen replies "it’s not bad really but I have this uncomfortable feeling in my stomach, like I’m gonna explode"

"You're ovulating" explains the rooster "have you never laid an egg before?" "Never" says Ralph. "Just relax and let it happen, there’s nothing to be afraid of" the rooster says, reassuringly.

Ralph steadies himself and tries to relax and a few uncomfortable moments later out pops his first egg.

Ralph was Overcome with relief and emotion at the feeling of becoming a mother. He soon laid a second egg. He was overjoyed.

Just as he readied himself to lay his third egg he felt a sharp slap on the back of his head and heard his wife screaming "Ralph you dirty bastard wake up, you've shit the bed again!"

The man who invented the strobe light died yesterday

Hi fu er l w ll ta e pl ce ne t w ek at 2: 5 m

Being off work for a few days off I decided to phone up the dentist & try & book an appointment for tomorrow.The receptionist replied "2;30", to which I said "no it doesn't I just wanted a check-up".

I told my mate I'll make a joke up about anything he wants, he said rugby, I said I'd try...

After years of extensive research Scientists claim that Diarrhea is in fact hereditary as apparently it runs in the genes.

A man goes to the Doctor's complaining about a growth forming on the middle of his forehead.After an examination the Doctor tells the man "I have some good news & some bad news for you!" to which the man replies "Oh I better have the bad news first".The Doctor says "The bad news is you have a penis growing out of your forehead!" to which the man replies "Oh my god, how am I going to cope,I will never be able to look at myself in the mirror ever again.But what in the hell could possibly be the good news then?".To which the Doctor calmly explains "The good news is you'll have a pair of bollocks growing over your eyes so you won't be able to see it!".

Tributes have poured in for Ander Herrera after he confirmed that he was leaving Manchester United at the end of the season. The Spaniard said he “was touched”

And then subsequently went down holding his face...

just tried out an impression of a hammer... nailed it!

A mate of mine was gifted through his work 2 tickets in a corporate box for the Champions League final in Madrid on Saturday 1st June. These tickets are part of a package deal and include flights and a 2 night 5* hotel stay in Madrid city centre. Unfortunately the final is on the same day as his wedding! So if you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.

So it's at Enfield Town Registry Office, at 4pm. The bride's name is Nicola -- she's 5'4", about 8 stone, quite pretty, has her own income and is a really good cook.

I was given a little bit of advice the other day...

dvi