Jokes

I’ve quit my new job as a postman. They handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought: “This isn’t for me.”

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.

Lady 1: "What's that?"
Lady 2: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."
Lady 1: "Where did you get it?"
Lady 2: "You can get them at any drugstore."

The next day...Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: "It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel."

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

"From now on when I say BELL 1

I want you to strip naked.

When I say BELL 2

I want you to jump in bed.

And when I say BELL 3

We are going to make love all night. " The next night he came home from work and yelled

" BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!"

"What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?

"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but I quit as it was just one ting after another.

did you hear about the bloke who wanted a wedding with a puppet?

he said he wanted to Marionette

I wouldn't buy anything with Velcro. It's a total rip-off.

Did you hear about the kid who lost her Nintendo Switch? She was inconsolable.

What do you call a tea-drinking wizard? A cup and sorcerer.

I wrote down a list of all the people I hate on a king sized Rizla paper and handed it to my housemate to roll a joint with.

He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.

A woman promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.

He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again.

Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying “yeah this isn’t really for me, I’m not having 67 more of those in my face”

My friends and I like to pretend we’re wind turbines, except Bob he’s not a big fan.

Weather girl: “…. and because of the cold front coming in from the west, we can expect about 3 inches of snow, or, as my colleague Bill would say, 8 inches.”