Jokes

A couple is married for 47 years and the woman dies. At the funeral, the pallbearers swing the coffin around, and it hits a wall. From inside the coffin, the woman yells, “Oh, my God!”

She lived another four years.

The old lady dies again. The pallbearers are swinging the coffin around. Her husband yells, “Watch out for the wall!”

Trendy corduroy pillow cases are making headlines.....

Went into the pet store and asked the fella behind the counter if they sold bees.
"Yes." he said "They're a £1 each."
"Can I have twelve please?" I said.
He counted them out, passed me the container with them in, and said "That'll be £12 please."
"Excuse me." I said "I couldn't help but notice that you put 13 bees in instead of 12."
"Yes." he said "The last one's a freebie."

A man from Paris, a man from London, and a man from New York are on an exposition to the deepest part of the Amazon jungle. After a while they get lost. Suddenly out of the bushes native tribesmen with spears jump into their path. One tribesman said "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren’t completely heartless, so we will let you choose how you die."

The man from Paris said, "bring me poison." The man from London said, "bring me a gun." And the man from New York said, "bring me a fork." The tribe was confused by the fork request but still brought the items and gave it to them.

The guy from Paris said, “for France!” And drank the poison and died. The man from London said, “long live the queen!” And shot himself and died. And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said “TRY TO MAKE A CANOE OUT OF THIS YOU FUCKERS!”

How do squirrels keep their nuts dry?







They swim on their backs.

I went to the council for a job, they offered me litter collecting.

The gaffer asked if I had any experience.

I said "I'll pick it up as I go along."

“I went to a karaoke night with my Sikh mate last night.”

“- Gerrupta Singh?”

“He did yeah.”

First woman on the moon:

"Houston, we got a problem"

"What?"

"Never mind"

"No, whats the problem?"

"Nothing"

"Are you ok?"

"Just forget it, I'm fine"

Ever since the Doctor prescribed me these strong prescription painkillers, I’ve lost all my enthusiasm for bird watching.

I’m completely off my tits.

Went to the doctors surgery earlier and the doctor said "sorry but you're going to have to stop masturbating".

"Why's that?" I said.

"Because I'm trying to examine you" said the doctor.