Jokes

The best engine in the world is the fanny.
It takes any size piston, is self-lubricating, starts with one finger and, every four weeks, does its own oil change.
Its just a pity the management system is so fucking temperamental.

the difference between a sucker fish and an estate agent?
one is a scum sucking, bottom dwelling, parasite and the other is a fish.

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull."

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, "If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant."

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, "What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!"

The kid smiles and says, "I would be a bus driver!"

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

Why Studying is better than sex

10. You can usually find someone to do it with.
9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.
8. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.
7. When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has opened it.
6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.
5. If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as a "book teaser."
4. You can do it, eat and watch T.V. all at the same time.
3. You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.
2. You don't have to put your beer down to do it.
1. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your roommate for help.

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality.

"We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"

A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"

________________________________________________________________​_________________________________________________

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no" he replies.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that" she says "there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies toilet".

There were 3 guys travelling on a boat when it crashed on an island. The island was full of cannibals who took the 3 men to their leader. The leader said "I will let you go free if the size of all your penises put together is the same size or greater than mine. If not, then I will eat you alive." The leader pulled out a massive 20 inch penis. The first guy showed he had a 10 inch penis. The second guy showed he had a 9 inch penis. The third guy showed he had a 1 inch penis and thus the 3 men were let go. As they left the island the first guy said "You guys are lucky that I had a 10 inch penis otherwise we would have never escaped." The second guy said "No, you guys are lucky that I had a 9 inch penis." The third guy said "Well, you guys are lucky that I had an erection!"

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!", he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."

Had a massive argument with my girlfriend earlier so to prove my point I pinned her down, pulled her knickers to the side and fucked her until I was ready to explode. Then I put my cock right in front of her face and made sure she was looking as I shot my load in her eyes and all over face.

After that she admitted she could see where I was coming from.
................................................................​................................................................​................................................................​...

They have these sex lines on the T.V, and when you ring them they always say the same thing, "What can i do for you?"
I simply say, "Call me back its fucking cheaper!"