Jokes

It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub.

It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.

And the lord said unto John, “come forth and you will receive eternal life”.

John came fifth and won a toaster .

If I ever go missing, you should put my picture on beer rather than milk bottles. This way, my friends will find me faster.

I heard the Secret Service had to change their commands.
They can't say "Get down!" anymore when the President is under attack.
Now it's "Donald! Duck!"

You sneak into my room, unnoticed; you gently touch one bit of my naked body after the other until you find the most desirable place, then you start sucking. Stupid mosquitoes!

A few Knock Knock jokes

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
A broken pencil.
A broken pencil who?
Oh forget it, it is pointless.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Beats.
Beats who?
Beats me.

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Opportunity!
That is impossible. Opportunity doesn’t come knocking twice!

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Hatch.
Hatch who?
Bless you.

Does anyone know if it’s possible to take a skin graft from your bum and put it on someone who isn’t family?

Arse skin for a friend....

A plane with 4 people on board is about to crash. The 4 people are the pilot, the president, the world’s smartest man and a ten-year-old. They only have 3 parachutes between them.

The president cries: “I’m the president, people need me to live!” and he jumps out.
The world’s smartest man cries, “I’m the world’s smartest man, I’m needed in the world!” and he jumps out.

The pilot sighs and says, “You take the last parachute, kid, I’ll go down with the plane, that’s my job.”

The kid smiles, “No need, there are still two parachutes left. The world’s smartest man took my backpack.”

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian!"

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his fucking widow."

I was at the Zoo the other day & I saw a baguette in one of the enclosures

I asked the Zoo keeper about it, he said it was bread in captivity

Failed the drugs test at work today...

Didn’t want to be a fucking pharmacist anyway..

I can't believe that someone broke into my garage last night and stole my limbo stick.

Seriously, how low can you go?!