Jokes

Some people have difficulty sleeping.

I can do it with my eyes closed

I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s been with.

She said, “Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights”.

How do you make your wife scream while making love?

Call her and tell her about it.

My uncle has just left me a stately home in his will.

I’ve no idea where Sod Hall is but I’m thrilled.

Did you hear that Viagra now comes in a nasal spray?

It’s for dickheads!

I spent last night defrosting the fridge..

Or foreplay as she likes to call it!

I won an eating competition pretty comfortably

It was a piece of cake

The magical goldfish agreed to grant three men a wish each.
The first man wished for a room full of gold.
The second man wished for a room full of diamonds.
The third man wished for keys to those rooms.

Q: What is worse than having a roaring T-Rex following you?
A: Having two roaring T-Rexes following you.

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it.

They decided on the word Typewriter.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter."

The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

Why did the blonde snort artificial sweetener?

She thought it was diet coke.