Jokes

This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off.…

After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off.

Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off.

I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand.

Now I’m afraid to pee.

Why did the German Santa Claus not get a mince pie?

Because it was stollen.

"I wish I never invented quotes" - Anon
I don't like quotes as much as I used to
I knew a quote once but I can't remember it now
Quotes are easy to remember if you know how to remember things
Never believe a quote, it's not a fact, and that's a fact
My favourite quote is out of stock on the internet but I ordered another one
If you don't know any quotes just make one up
Never write a quote on a Wednesday morning
If quotes were pounds I'd have enough money to buy a book of quotes
One day I want to have a quote named after me
The best quotes have eight words in them
Never believe a quote that tells you what to believe
I wouldn't write this quote if it was the last one I saw

(11-12-2019 19:52 )billyboy1963 Wrote:  I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop.

It was sole destroying!

Nurse ….. he's escaped again

The police stop an old guy in questionable condition at 1 am.
-
“What are you doing out so late, sir?” asks the police officer.
-
“I’m going to a seminar on ‘The harmful effects of alcohol’,” replies the man.
-
“Are you pulling my leg or something?!“ says the police officer, „who would hold a seminar like that at this hour?!”
-
The man sighs, “my wife.”

How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizza?

Deep pan, crisp and even!

An elderly farmer had an old bull that lost its usual desire and no longer went near the cows. The farmer called the vet, who prescribed a pill to stimulate the bull’s interest.

A few weeks later, the farmer ran into a friend, who asked, “How’s that bull?”

“Great!” said the farmer. “The bull is back to his former frisky self.”

“That’s fantastic. What miracle drug did the vet prescribe?”

“I don’t know,” said the farmer. “But it tastes like licorice.”

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

What did the buffalo say to his son leaving for school?

Bison.

Granny, are the mince pies going to be long?

Don't be silly dear, you know they're round.

"I wish I never invented quotes" - Anon
I don't like quotes as much as I used to
I knew a quote once but I can't remember it now
Quotes are easy to remember if you know how to remember things
Never believe a quote, it's not a fact, and that's a fact
My favourite quote is out of stock on the internet but I ordered another one
If you don't know any quotes just make one up
Never write a quote on a Wednesday morning
If quotes were pounds I'd have enough money to buy a book of quotes
One day I want to have a quote named after me
The best quotes have eight words in them
Never believe a quote that tells you what to believe
I wouldn't write this quote if it was the last one I saw