Jokes

Me and my wife are driving along the Motorway doing 55 mph. She looks over at me and says, "I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."

I say nothing but slowly increase the speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a much better lover than you."

Again I stay quiet and just speed up as my anger increases.
She says, "I want the house."
I speed up again, and I'm now doing 70 mph.

She says, "I want the kids, too."
I just keep driving faster and faster, now up to 80mph.

She says, "I want the car, the bank account and all the credit cards too."
I slowly start to veer toward a concrete bridge pillar as she enquires, "Is there anything you want?"

So I respond with, "no thanks, I've got everything I need."
She asks, "what's that then?"

Just before we hit the wall at 90 mph I say, "I've got the airbag."

"I'm going to the doctor," says Mary.

"Why, what's wrong?" asks her best friend Sara.

"I want to ask him how many calories there really are in sperm."

Sara says, "Why worry? If you're swallowing that much, no man is going to care if you're a bit chubby."

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!"

The woman thought, "this is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Ginger!"

Once again the woman smiled and thought, "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip with a fart that rivalled a train whistle blowing. Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit, Ginger, get away from her before she shits on you!"

lol cheers mate good stuff

A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again.

He tried a fourth time with the same result.

The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only £10 for 24 cans," he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you when we're making love," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and they're half the fucking price."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------18 ways to annoy people in public tiolets

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. "Uh-oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

5. "Damn, this water is cold."

6. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.

7. "Now how did that get there?"

8. "Hummus. Reminds me of hummus."

9. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,"Whoa! Easy boy!!"

10. " Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"

11. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"

12. "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"

13. "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"

14. "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

15. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

16. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

17. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

18. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free."

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.

Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.

He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.

Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.

I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.

Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son, Chad

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer.

I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home!

There's a pub called the Cockwell Inn in Herbum Village near Tillet Town. Lucy Lykes owns the pub. The Address is:

Lucy Lykes
The Cockwell Inn
Herbum, Tillet
Herts.


"If we're all God's children, what makes Jesus so special?

i used to go out with a girl with really bad eczema. she had cracking tits!

Why do lesbians use dildos?

I mean, haven't they made their choice?

Teacher tells class to make a sentence using the word dough.

Little Jane raises her hand, "In Italy they make pizza using special dough". "Very good" says teacher.

Little Mary raises her hand, "My baby brother makes dinosaurs out of play dough". "Excellent" says teacher.

Little Johnny raises his hand, "My mummy says dad is so useless she has to use a dil dough."