Jokes

Why couldn't a novel get a table at the restaurant?

It was already fully booked

Sarah the sexy secretary walked into her boss's office and said, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you"
"Sarah honey, why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me some good news for once."
"Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary. "You aren't sterile....."

This joke must be from the usa….

The population of this country is 300 million.

160 million are retired.

That leaves 140 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 15 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces.

Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city Governments.

And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are,

Sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes.

A man and a woman were approaching their 50th wedding anniversary.

To celebrate, the woman decided she would cook a big dinner for her husband.

Then he said they should do what they did on their wedding night, and eat at the dinner table naked.

The woman agreed.

On their anniversary night, at the table, the woman says, "Honey, my nipples are as hot for you as they were 50 years ago."

The man replies, "Madge, honey, that's because they are sitting in your soup.

What happened to the alcoholic who thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year?

He gave up thinking.

New Year's Eve jokes

Q: What's the forecast for New Year's Eve?
A: Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.

New Year's Resolutions for Internet Junkies...
I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.
I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband).
I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own.
I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.
I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily...well, once a week... okay, monthly then...or maybe...
I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard
to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher.
When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I will not reply "MS Tech Support."
When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"
I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.
I will think of a password other than "password."
I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical.
I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er...
I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!

I never completed the egg and spoon race as it took me too long

But I did manage to finish the chicken and spoon race

My friend asked me where I see myself in the new year.

How would I know? I don't have 2020 vision.

My New Year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full ...

... with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.

An iPhone and a firework were arrested on New Year's Eve.

One was charged and the other was let off.