Jokes

I saw this advert in a window that said: “Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.”

I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”

My friend entered a pun contest.

He entered ten, figuring at least one of them would win, but no pun in ten did.

A man walks into a bar and it’s empty – it’s just him and the bartender. He sits down and orders a drink.

He hears someone whisper, “Pssst…I like your tie.” The man looks around but doesn’t see anyone.

“Pssst…that color looks nice on you.”

He asks the bartender, “Excuse me, but…are you speaking to me?”

The bartender rolls his eyes and says, “No, sorry about that. It’s the peanuts… they’re complimentary.”

A few footballers phoned up a restaurant to book a table.

The restaurant's employee asked "how many and at what time?"

The footballers replied "four for two'"

What does a cactus and politics have in common?

They're both full of pricks that can stab you in the back

I was bored so decided to break my watch with a hammer

That's one way to kill time

I was in town the other day and saw an offer in the petshop window - "Special Offer! Pedigree Netherlands cats for sale - amazing prices"

I know you have to be careful when buying pedigrees and their origin is important, so I went in and said "How Dutch are those moggies in the window?"

A husband and wife noticed that their little boy's penis was a little too small so they took him to the doctor. They expressed their concerns to the doctor. The doctor said to feed the little boy lots of toast.

The next morning, the wife gets up really early and makes a huge stack of toast. When the little boy comes down to breakfast, the mother says,' Take the top two slices. The rest are for your father.'

A very attractive woman walks into a bar and orders two shots.

She downs the first one..."This is for the shame," and then the second
one..."This is for the glory."

She then orders two more shots. She drinks the first One..."This is for the
shame," and then the second one... "This is for the glory."

She is about to order two more shots when the bartender stops her.

"Ma'am, I was just wondering... what's this about shame and glory?"

"Well," she replies, "I like to do my housework naked, but when I bent over
to pick something up, my Great Dane mounted me from behind."

"That must be the shame," the bartender said.

"No, that was the glory. The shame is when we got knotted together and he
dragged me out in the front garden for fifteen minutes."

Yesterday my daughter asked why I didn't do something useful with my
time. She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the
guys.

I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a
parachute club.

She said "Are you nuts? You're almost 75 years old and you're going to
start jumping out of airplanes?"

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "You idiot, where are your glasses! This is a membership
to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do! I signed up for five
jumps a week!

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier.