Jokes

A husband and wife go off to bed. As soon as they settle down, the man leans over and whispers softly "hey snuggle boopy boops, your little hubby wubby isnt quite ready for nite-nite yet."

The wife takes the hint and says "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first." So off she goes, but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face. Her husband jumps up concerned.

"Oh my little hunny bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?" No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for two hours.

Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.

Her husband looks over and grunts, "Clumsy bitch."

What is the difference between a Genealogist and a Gynecologist?

A Genealogist looks up your family tree, whereas a Gynecologist looks up your family bush.

What do you call an expert fisherman?

A Master Baiter

What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave?

Thanks for coming!

Wife: "In my dream, I saw you in a jewelry store and you bought me a diamond ring."
Husband: "I had the same dream and I saw your dad paying the bill."

Teacher: "Answer this math problem: if your father earns $500 a week and gives half to your mother. What will he have?"
Student: "A heart attack."

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse approaches the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You're the father of twins.” “That's odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!” A nurse then yells the second man, “Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!” “That's weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!” A nurse goes up to the third man saying, “Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets." “That's strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!” The last man begins groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What's wrong?” the others ask. “I work for 7 Up!”

Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates were called in by God. God informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this world.
Since things were so bad, he told the three that he was destroying the Earth in 3 days. They were all allowed to return to their homes and businesses
and tell their friends and colleagues what was happening. God did tell them though, that no matter what they did he was "not" changing his mind.

Bill Clinton went in and told his staff, "I have good news and bad news for you. First the good news . . . there "is" a God.
The bad news is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."

Boris Yeltsin went back and told his staff, "I have good news and terrible news. The first is that there "is" a God.
The second is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."

Bill Gates went back and told his staff, "I have good news and good news. First, God thinks I am one of the three most important people in the world.
Secondly, you don't have to fix the bugs in Windows.

I went into a florist and said, I would like to buy a bunch of flowers for my wife.
The florist looked at me and said, "Certainly Sir, what is it your after?" I replied ; "A shag."

This kid came up to me, must have been about 10, and said "Excuse me Mr, can I have a cigarette, please??"....
I couldn't fucking believe it.... A kid of ten with manners!!!!

My girlfriend was very impressed when I told her how much money I give to charity every month.

She was less impressed when she discovered that Charity dances at Spearmint Rhino.

The Jewish man said, “Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (chicken fat), we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end!”

The Frenchman boasted, “Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for 10 minutes!”

The Italian man said, “Well, last week my wife and I also had sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil. We made love, and she screamed for over six hours!”

The other two were stunned.

The amazed Frenchman asked, “What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?”

The Italian said............”I wiped my hands on the bedspread.”