Jokes

“An old lady went to visit her dentist.

When it was her turn, she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants, and raised her legs.

The dentist said, "Excuse me, but I'm not a gynecologist."

"I know," said the old lady. "I want you to take my husband's teeth out.”

A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis are sitting at a bar complaining about their lives.

The cucumber says, "My life sucks. I'm put in salads, and, to top them off, they pour dressing all over me. My life sucks."

The pickle says, "That's nothing compared to my life. I'm put in vinegar and stored away for months, out of sight. Man, my life is boring. I hate life."

So the penis says, "What are you guys complaining about? My life is so messed up that I feel like shooting myself. They constantly wrap me in a plastic bag, shove me in a cave, and make me do push-ups until I throw up.

A couple were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you!"

He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties, and ravaged her.

He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before.

When he was finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door he said, "That was the best, honey. You've never moved like that before, you didn't hurt yourself, did you?"

And his wife replied, "No, no. I'll be okay once I can get this old doorknob out of my ass

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

“Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?”

“There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”

“What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily.

“Gold of course”, says the man proudly.

The wife responds wryly, “Why don’t you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change.”

You know how SatNavs have different presets with different nationalities, genders and names?

I selected North American, female and Dorothy.

Now all it does is tell me to follow the Yellow Brick Road.

Useless!

“My wife suffers from a drinking problem.”
“Oh is she an alcoholic?”
“No, I am, but she’s the one who suffers.”

Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and said: "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck."

His friend said: "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." Adam decided to take his friend's advice. The next day at the bar his friend said: "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," Adam replied. "Did she like it?" "Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling: "I'll be back in an hour!!"

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed.

He asked her where she was going and she replied: "I'm going to Las Vegas."

He asked her why she was going. She told him: "I just found out that as a woman I can make £400 a night doing what I give you for free."

He went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch. His wife said: "And just where do you think you are going?"

"I'm going too!" he replied. "Why?" she asked. "I want to see how you are going to live on £800 a year!"

Bob and John have just finished an arduous round of Golf.

“Bob” says John, “you didn’t seem the same on the course today. Is everything alright at home”

“Not really” says Bob. “I think my wife Beryl might be dead”.

“What do you mean you ‘think’ she’s dead. Isn’t it obvious whether or not she is still alive”.

“Well” said Bob. “I’m not too sure. The sex is the same as always but the dishes are starting to pile up”.

Vincent Price was taller than Katie Price and heavier than Alan Price

It’s amazing what you can find out on those Price comparison websites.....