Jokes

I always knock on the fridge before I open it.
Just in case there’s a salad dressing.

I was grocery shopping yesterday when I saw this beautiful young woman.
I said to her, “I can’t seem to find my wife, can I talk to you?”
“Sure, but how will that help?”
“Once she sees me talking to you, I’ll bet you anything she’ll appear out of nowhere.”

My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger!

It was only when i had my trouser round my ankles and my cock out, that I realised she wanted to rent out her spare room.

There's a new viagra pill on the market. It's called the 007.

Apparently it makes you Roger Moore.

As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his mobile phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Alf, I just
heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way onthe M6, Please be
careful!"

"Hell," said Alf, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

Bloke thought he'd try something new at the local curry house.

He went for a Pelican Madras.

Quite tasty but the bill was enormous!!

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.
Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't Have a ladder.'
The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid The flagpole down.
She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that It was 18 feet 6 inches.
Then, she walked off.
Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde! We need the height and she gives us the length.'

Old guy goes to the cinema with his pet duck.
Gets told 'Sorry sir, you cannot bring animals into the cinema.' Auld guy walks round the corner, sticks the duck down the front of his trousers and goes back to try again.
This time he gets in. While he's watching the movie he can feel the duck getting a bit restless so he undoes his flies so the duck can stick its head out and get a bit of fresh air. A young couple are sitting next to him. The girl turns to her boyfriend and says 'The old man sitting next to me has got his dick out.' Boyfriend says So what...you've got mine out.' His girlfriend replies 'But yours isn't eating my popcorn.'

I own a chewed pencil that Shakespeare once used to write his famous works.
He chewed on it so much that I can’t tell whether it’s 2B or not 2B.

I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.

Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.