Jokes

A farmer was out checking his land one day and discovered he had a Gorilla in a tree.

He called a Gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Rottweiler, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun.

“Now listen carefully,” he told the homeowner, “I’m going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Rottweiler will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when the Gorilla instinctively crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap the handcuffs on.

“Ok, got it. ” the homeowner replied. “But whats that shotgun for?

“If I fall out of the tree before the Gorilla,” the man said, “shoot the Rottweiler.“

A little girl wants to walk her dog, but her father says that she can't because the dog is in heat.

After a moment's thought, he finally says, "Well, I guess, if we pour gas on the dog's rear end it will kill the scent." So he does.

Half an hour later, the girl returns. The father says, "Where's the dog?"

The girl replies,"She ran out of gas half a block down the street, and the neighbor's dog is pushing her home."

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and they had not been seen for 5 days.

An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds. The old man decided to go and see if they were all right.

He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.

"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love."

The old man replied, "I thought so ... would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window ...they're choking my ducks!"

A guy meets a gal in a bar and asks, "May I buy you a drink?"

"Okay. But it won't do you any good."

A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?"

"Okay. But it won't do you any good."

He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay. But it won't do you any good."

They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife."

She says, "Oh, that's different. Send her in."

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.

"That's cool," says Bobby.

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby--so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Well, Bobby's eyes light up at that. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

Two elderly women sitting on a park bench when a man comes up to them, opens his coat and exposes his naked body. One of the women had a stroke. The other couldn’t reach.

Just hired a limousine for the weekend. Paid £500, turns out I just get the car and no driver.

All that money and nothing to chauffeur it.

Did you hear the joke about the deaf guy?

That's alright neither did he

A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve mushrooms in here.” The mushroom replies, “Why not? I’m a fungi!”

Did you here about the guy who lost his whole left side? He’s alright now!

A pirate walks into the doctor’s office.

Pirate: Doc, you got to help, me ship’s steering wheel got stuck to me crotch.

Doctor: So, what’s the problem?

Pirate: Doc… it’s driving me nuts!