Jokes

I was sitting in my car outside my ex-girlfriends house, when she
approached me and said, "Everyday for the past week, I've noticed you
sitting here, are you fucking stalking me or something?"

"Don't fucking flatter yourself," I replied, "I've been using your internet
connection."

Proudly showing off his newly-leased Fingal apartment to a couple of friends late one night, a drunk Irish lad led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.

'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked.

'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Irish clock' he drunkenly replied.


'A talking Irish clock - seriously?'

'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).'

'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.

'Just watch' he said.

He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back.

His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.

Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed,

"For fuck's sake, you stupid wanker . It's ten past three in the fuckin morning "!!!

"Is that the Ballycashel Echo?" asks Mick.

"How much would it be to put an ad in your paper?"

"Five pounds an inch," a woman replies. "Why? What are you selling?"

"A ten-foot ladder," said Mick before slamming the phone down.

A priest is driving along a country road when a police man pulls him over. He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.

He says: "Have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!

A man goes to a Psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem, I can't stop thinking about sex."

The Psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots. "What is this a picture of?" he asks.

The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."

The Psychologist says, "very interesting," and shows the next picture. "And what is this a picture of?"

The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."

The Psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, "What is this a picture of?"

The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."

The Psychologist states, "Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with sex."

"Me!?" demands the patient. "You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!"

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol and your child's name is Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go home.

A redneck finds out one day that his girlfriend is still a virgin.

When he finds out, he stands up, turns away from her, and leaves without saying a word.

Later, he’s at the bar with his buddies and they ask him what went wrong.

He explains, “If she ain’t good enough for her daddy, her uncle, her brother, and her cousin, she ain’t good enough for me!”

A man walks into a diner one day, walks up to the counter, and proceeds to order a bowl a chili.

The waitress says that the man sitting next to him just ordered the last bowl they had. That man was just sitting there, not eating the chili.

After watching him not eating for a while, the first man asks him, "Are you going to eat that?"

The second man replies, "No, you can have it if you want."

So the first man takes the bowl and starts eating.

About halfway through the bowl, he's chewing when he feels a crunch. He looks down only to see half a dead rat sitting in the chili.

He immediately throws all of it up, back into the bowl.

The second man looks at him and says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got too."

(26-06-2009 00:55 )The-Special-One Wrote:  [OVERLY OFFENSIVE JOKE REMOVED]

(Perhaps too soon?)

send it to me

An English family are driving through Dublin but get lost. They stop Paddy and ask "Which is the quickest way to the city centre?"

Paddy asks, "Are you driving or walking?"

Englishman says, "Driving"

Paddy says, "Yea dat's the quickest way