Jokes

A guy goes to the store to buy condoms.

The cashier asks, “Do you want a bag?”

The guy says, “No. She’s not that ugly.”

Why do witches not wear undies?

So they get a better grip on the broom.

Teacher: “Johnny, write a sentence ending with the word hand.”

Johnny: “My penis in your hand.”

Teacher: “What?”

Johnny: “Sorry ma’am, I forgot to put a space between pen and is.”

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex.

The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that.

About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!"

The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."

One day, there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it. The other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush for so long.

The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the stream. All of a sudden, the second boy took off running.

The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away.

The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady, I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."

It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg.

"What is that?" he asked. She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'"

Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?" "Well," she replied, "now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Year!"

A woman places an ad in the local newspaper. “Looking for a man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed.”

Two days later her doorbell rings. “Hi, I’m Tim. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no legs so I won't run away.” “What makes you think you are great in bed?” the woman retorts.

Tim replies, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

I tried to write a joke about pi. But it kept going around in circles.

I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday.
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

Marriage is a workshop, where man works and woman shops.

My wife told me to go and get something that would make her look sexy. So I got drunk.

A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta.

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies, "Listen darlin’, I’m not horny – I’m just homesick."

I was sitting on my own in a restaurant, when I saw a beautiful woman at another table.

I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu.

She sent me a note, “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pocket.”

I wrote back, “Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.”