billyboy1963
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RE: Jokes
A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease. "Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?"
"Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?"
"Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?"
"And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?"
"Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?"
"Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?"
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Ars longa, vita brevis
Cogito ergo sum
Fere libenter homines id quod volunt credunt
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28-02-2020 20:33 |
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billyboy1963
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RE: Jokes
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon Little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.
Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period" reported Johnny.
"Well I can see that" she said. "but what is so exciting about a period."
"Damned if I know" said Johnny, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."
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Ars longa, vita brevis
Cogito ergo sum
Fere libenter homines id quod volunt credunt
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28-02-2020 20:35 |
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billyboy1963
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RE: Jokes
A man in Amsterdam feels the need to confess, so he goes to his priest.
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. During world war II, I hid a refugee in my attic."
"Well," answers the priest, "that's not a sin."'
"But I made him agree to pay me 20 guilders for every week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh, thank you, Father. That eases my mind. I have one more question."
"What is that, my son?"
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
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Ars longa, vita brevis
Cogito ergo sum
Fere libenter homines id quod volunt credunt
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28-02-2020 20:37 |
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billyboy1963
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RE: Jokes
Ben invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Ben's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Ben and his roommate and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Ben and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Ben volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Allison and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Allison came to Ben and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Ben said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, Ben received a letter from his mother which read:
"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Allison, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Allison. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
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Ars longa, vita brevis
Cogito ergo sum
Fere libenter homines id quod volunt credunt
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28-02-2020 20:40 |
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Chrisst
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RE: Jokes
After months of training to fight World War Three the squaddies were sent to the Falkland Islands.
A disappointed Private asked his Sargeant about female company on the island and the Sargeant told him,
''You'll have to bide your time all the way through the winter until the spring, that's when the sheep come down from the hills.''
The Private was disgusted,
''No Sarge, I couldn't do it with an animal, no way.''
The Sargeant chuckled, he'd heard it all before,
''Just you wait lad, just you wait...''
Through the cold, long winter nights the Private tried to keep his mind off the sheep but by the New Year he joined his mates watching them on the hills through binoculars. By April he'd made up his mind that maybe sheep pussy wouldn't be so bad.
Came the day that he saw the sheep gathering together and making their way down from the heights and on to the green meadows. Everyone was very excited and when the sheep were near the camp the squaddies started running towards them.
The Private was amazed and asked his Sargeant why everyone was in such a hurry, the sheep would be around for months.
''Well'', explained the Sargeant, ''You wouldn't want an ugly one would you?''
(This post was last modified: 29-02-2020 06:30 by Chrisst.)
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28-02-2020 21:18 |
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billyboy1963
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RE: Jokes
A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.
The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.
The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!”
The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.
The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.
The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT!
The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You’re really an a**hole when you’re drunk, Superman.”
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Ars longa, vita brevis
Cogito ergo sum
Fere libenter homines id quod volunt credunt
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29-02-2020 20:19 |
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