Jokes

Girls mostly treat me like a God.

They totally forget that I exist and only approach me when they need something.

At a job interview:

“Mrs. Walker, what do you consider your greatest weakness?”

“Honesty.”

“Really? I don’t believe that is a weakness at all.”

“And I don’t give a rat’s fart about your stupid opinion!”

Few dirty sex jokes

A dick has a sad life.
His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

When Ted was putting flowers on his Grandmother's grave he noticed a man, very distraught,
in front of a tombstone several yards away. The man was on his knees, hands tightly clasped in front of him,
rocking back and forth, head tilted upward to heaven, tears streaming down his cheeks, moaning softly,
"Why did you die? Why did you die?" Over and over again.

Ted was overcome with emotion at this sight and went over to the poor man to try and console him.
"Why did you die? Why did you die?" bellowed the man again and again.
Ted gently put his arm around the man and half whispered to him,
"My Grandmother is buried just over there. Is a loved one of yours buried here?"

"No," sniffled the man, "It's my wife's first husband."

A man is about to jump off London Bridge when he hears a voice behind him.

It's Santa Claus. "Why do this? It's Christmas Eve?" Santa says.

"Because I've lost my job, " the man answered, " my wife has left me, and I have no presents for the kids."

"Ah, I can grant you 3 wishes, " replied Santa, "So when you get up tomorrow your job will be there, your wife will be waiting for you, and there'll be presents for the children."

"Oh Santa - however can I repay you?" gasped the man.

"Well - not a lot of people know this, " came the reply, "But old Santa is gay, you could bend over for me, the elves aren't much good at it."

"Dunno 'bout that, " the man said.

"Oh, go on, " Santa urged, "After all - I granted you 3 wishes, don't be so ungrateful."

"Ok, " the man sighed, as he unzipped his trousers.

Santa did the biz and when he finished the man pulled his trousers back up.

Santa looks at the man and asks "How old are you?"

"47, " came the reply.

"What? And you still believe in Santa Claus?"

What do Disney World and Viagra have in common?

They both make you wait an hour for a two-minute ride.

A little message to the guy on crutches that stole my camouflage jacket.

You can hide but you can't run.

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”