Jokes

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday.
She spent £5000 and felt really good about the results.
On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around.
As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35,"he replied.
"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.
After that she went into McDonald's for lunch and asked the order taker the same question.
He replied, "Oh, you look about 29."
"I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good.
While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question.
He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age."
There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt.
After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47."
Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

Why don’t foot fetishists ever win anything?

Because they like the taste of defeat.

My elderly relatives used to tease me at weddings, saying, “You’ll be next!”

They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

I went to the chemist today and asked for a box of condoms.

The girl serving asked me if I wanted a bag with it.

I said, “No thanks, she’s actually quite pretty.”

What do you say to a one-legged hitchhiker?

Hop in.

I was having a bad day so I bought a bottle of vodka, gin and whisky and put them in a lift and sent them to the top floor.

I didn’t have a good reason.

I just needed something to lift my spirits.

I was so bored that I memorized 6 pages of the dictionary.

I learned next to nothing.

I just drew on my bum

I'm self arse-elating

An old married couple are in church one Sunday… when the woman turns to her husband and says, “I’ve just let out a really long, silent fart. What should I do?”

The husband turned to her and says, “Replace the battery in your hearing aid.”

A wife sent her husband a romantic text message… She wrote: “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”

Her husband texted back: “I’m on the toilet, please advise.”