Jokes

First confirmed COVID 19 case in Russia has been named ... Ivor Chestikov

I was shocked at price of those ‘Ancestry DNA kits’, so rather than spend £150, I just announced that I had won the lottery...

I quickly found out who my relatives were!

Why do women like to have sex with the lights off?

They can't stand to see a man have a good time!

Bigamy is having one wife too many.

Some say monogamy is the same.

What's the difference between light and hard?

You can sleep with a light on.

Which of the following words does not belong: meat, eggs, wife, blowjob.

Blowjob. You can beat your meat, eggs, and wife; but you can't beat a blowjob.

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop from a gypsy, and hangs it on her bathroom door.

One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust line forty four".

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions.

Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.

This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".

Again, there's a bright flash...and his legs fall off.

A woman enrolled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class.

The subject of the day is involuntary muscles.

The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her asshole does during an orgasm.

"Sure!" she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids..."

A guy meets a hooker on the street.
He says, "Let's go in the alley and get it on. I've got fifteen bucks."
She says, "Fifteen bucks? For fifteen bucks, I'll let you look at it."
He says, "All right," they go into an alley, she drops her drawers, and he drops to his knees.
It's dark, and he can't see anything, so he lights his lighter.
He says, "Wow...your pubic hair ... it's so sculpted, so lustrous. It's beautiful."
She says, "Thank you."
He says, "Can I ask you a personal question?"
She says, "Sure."
He says, "Can you pee through all that hair?"
She says, "Sure."
He says, "Well, then you better start, because you're on fire."

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor’s pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics.

He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor’s house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, ‘Did you hear that Fluffy died?’ The guy stammers and says, ‘Um…no…um…what happened?’.

The neighbor replies, ‘We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!’