Jokes

A boy comes home from school at 7pm, His dad says "where were you?

"I was with Jessica." He replied.

"What were you doing?"

"We were studying."

After picking a snack off the table the son says "These fishcakes are lovely."

Dad replies "Wash your hands son; they're fucking donuts."

I came home from work early one night to find my wife and my best mate, sweaty and breathless in the living room. I said, "What's going on?"

My wife said, "Erm... We've been playing on the Wii Fit." She winked at my mate and said, "Dave did VERY well."

As I walked out of the room, I heard them giggling and calling me a "dickhead", but I had the last laugh. I checked the next day, and none of his scores had even registered!

Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful." Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

Paul’s missus was in the Rotunda Hospital, ready to give birth to their first child. When they arrived, the nurse asked, ‘How dilated is she, sir?’.

He replied, ‘Delighted? She’s over the fu*king moon!’

Sheamus drops into the local pub on the way back home from visiting the doctor.

‘What’s the story?’ Paddy asks when he sees the look on Sheamus’s face.

‘I haven’t been feeling myself lately’, Sheamus replied.

‘That’s good’ says Paddy. ‘Sure you’d be arrested for less!’

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman wander into a little old pub in Kildare.

They each ask the barman for a pint of Guinness. After the pints are placed onto the bar, three bluebottles drop into each man’s freshly poured pint.

The Englishman pushes his pint away in disgust and orders up another.

The Scot reaches in and plucks the fly out.

The Irishman reaches in, picks the fly out, holds it up close to his face and shouts, “Spit it out you little bastard.”

At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"

“Babe is it in?”

“Yea.”

“Does it hurt?”

“Uh huh.”

“Let me put it in slowly.”

“It still hurts.”

“Okay, let’s try another shoe size.”

Mommy please make me a sandwitch…

Don’t call me “mommy” just because I slept with your father!

So how I supose to call you?

Like everybody – Steven.

Frank was getting ready to go on a trip to New York for the first time, and was talking to his friend Bill.

Bill: “While you are in New York, there is a bar that you have to go to. When you walk through the front door, you are handed a free drink.

Then you can go to the back room and get laid. Come back up to the bar, and you get another free drink. Then you can get laid again. It goes on like this all night.”

Frank: “That sounds unbelievable. Have you really been there?”

Bill: “No, but my sister has.”