Jokes

A guy's wife came home to find him bolting a pole from floor to ceiling in their bedroom.

"Don't think for a minute you'll be getting me to dance round that thing for you" she moaned.

"It's not for that," I replied "It's to help you get out of bed you fat fucker!"

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde are sitting around talking about their kids.

The brunette says, “I found cigarettes in my daughter’s room, and I didn’t know she smoked.”

The redhead replies, “I found liquor in my daughter’s room, and I didn’t know she drank.”

The blonde chuckles and says, “That’s nothing. I found condoms in my daughter’s room, and I didn’t know she had a dick!”

A loser is having a hard time picking up chicks, so his well traveled friend takes him to a nightclub in Manchester where he tells him that he will score for sure.

The loser enters the bar, sees a girl to hit on, and begins to barrage her with pick up lines that he acquired from his friend.

The young lady continues to ignore him but finally gives in.

She says ” OK, I’ll spend the night with you, but I’ve got to let you know up front that I’m on my menstrual cycle.

The loser looks at her and says ” That’s OK. I’ll follow you on my Moped.

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me, April, who created the universe?”

When April didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. “GOD ALMIGHTY!” shouted April and the teacher said, “Very good” and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, “Who is our Lord and Saviour,” But, April didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. “JESUS CHRIST!” shouted April and the teacher said, “very good,” and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time April jumped up and shouted, “IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!”

The Teacher fainted.

An Italian, Frenchman and redneck were comparing lovemaking skills. The Italian says, ‘When I’ve a finished a makina da love withah my wife, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6 inches above a da bed in ecstacy.

The Frenchman replies. ‘zat is noting, when Ah’ve finished making ze love with ze wife, Ah kiss all ze way down her body, and zen Ah lick za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue, and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstacy.joke

The redneck says, ‘That aint nothing. When I’ve finished porkin the ole lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the winder and wipe my weener on the curtains. She hits the f****n’ ceiling.

I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone.

I said, “Morning.”

He said, “No, just taking a shit..”

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.

She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.

She read. ‘And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: ‘Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?’

The teacher paused then asked the class: ‘And what do you think the man said?’

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly…

‘I think the man would have said – ‘Well, F#ck me!! A talking pig!!

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!" Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, "Really small, was it?" Sally replied, "No, salty." Mom fainted.

What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After two minutes she said all charges were being dropped due to a lack of evidence.