Jokes

An old guy is sitting on a bus when a punk rocker gets on.

The punk rocker's mohawk is red, green, yellow and orange. He has feather earrings.

When he sees the old man staring at him, the punk rocker says, "What's the matter old man? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were a young guy?"

The old guy says in reply "Yeah. One time I screwed a peacock. I thought maybe you were my kid."

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow.

A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?"

The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency expert out; he determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."

The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"

The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string to pull out my penis, go, and return to work. Having never touched myself, there is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."

Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?" "Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a mans' penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over £1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study was incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of £2 million, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.

When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didnt really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around £75.00 ( 3 cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead

A young couple took their two-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that, although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."

The next morning, when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

"Gee, mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," his mother replied. "The rest are for your father

Coronavirus APRIL FOOL

Ralph comes home pissed one night, stumbles upstairs, slides into bed beside his sleeping wife and falls into a deep slumber.

He awoke standing at the pearly gates before St Peter. "You died in your sleep Ralph" St Peter explains.

"What... no this can’t be!" Ralph cries "I've so much to live for... please send me back"

St Peter explains that the only way Ralph is allowed back is in the form of a chicken.

Devastated but desperate to see his family again he asks to be sent to a small farm near his house.

Next thing ralph knows he's covered in feathers, clucking and pecking around in the dirt on a warm summers morning.

A rooster strolls past and says "so you're the new hen? Hows your first day?"

Ralph the hen replies "it’s not bad really but I have this uncomfortable feeling in my stomach, like I’m gonna explode"

"You're ovulating" explains the rooster "have you never laid an egg before?" "Never" says Ralph. "Just relax and let it happen, there’s nothing to be afraid of" the rooster says, reassuringly.

Ralph steadies himself and tries to relax and a few uncomfortable moments later out pops his first egg.

Ralph was Overcome with relief and emotion at the feeling of becoming a mother. He soon laid a second egg. He was overjoyed.

Just as he readied himself to lay his third egg he felt a sharp slap on the back of his head and heard his wife screaming "Ralph you dirty bastard wake up, you've shit the bed again!"

What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket?

"Some arsehole has my pen."

On the first night of their honeymoon the new bride tells her husband..

"I have a confession to make,i am not a virgin..i have been with one other guy"

"Oh yeah..who was the other guy"?

"Tiger Woods..the golfer" she replied..

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."

The couple then makes passionate love.

When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time.

When they finish, he goes back to the phone.

"What are you doing now?" she asks.

"I'm still hungry, so I'm going to ring room service for some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."

The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed.

Exhausted after the third lovemaking session, he shuffles back to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"

What's a shark's least favourite name?
Annette.

Man returns home and screams out loudly: - Honey, pack your things, I've won a million today!

Wife comes to the wardrobe and asks:- What kind of clothes to take with me? Summer or winter?

Man: - All of them now just get out of here!