Jokes

A husband says to his wife, "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time."

The wife thinks about it for a few moments and replies, "Your dick is bigger than your brothers."

This is borderline fact and trivia but I'll post it here

Tom's wife wasn't very attractive, but then he was no oil painting, either. After the wedding ceremony, Tom asked the pastor how much the cost was.

"Just give me what you think it is worth to have this lady for your wife," replied the Reverend.

Tom looked at his wife, and handed the pastor $50.

The pastor looked at Tom's wife and gave him $45 change.

There was a young man went to the doctor and said he wanted to get married but he was worried about the small size of his member. The doctor advised him to go and stay on a farm, dip his wick in milk several times a day, and have it sucked by a calf. Some months later when they met in the street, the doctor said, "How's your marriage?" "Oh, I didn't get married doctor, I bought the calf instead."

A sex therapist was doing research at the local college when one of the male volunteers told him, "When I get it in part way, my vision blurs. And when I get it all the way in, I can't see a thing."

"Hmmm...that's an interesting optical reaction to sex," said the researcher.

"Would you mind if I had a look at it?"

So the volunteer stuck out his tongue.

Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball, suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head and passes the three women.

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says.

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either." She says, also not recognizing the unit.

He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her. "Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club."

The inventor of AutoCorrect is a stupid mass hole. He can fake right off.

Two guys are walking through a game park & they come across a lion that has not eaten for days. The lion starts chasing the two men. They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord." He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion. As he comes closer to the lion, he hears the it saying a prayer: "Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive."

A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”

The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you...”

Rest in peace boiling water.

You will be mist.