Jokes

What do tofu and dildos have in common?

They're both meat substitutes.

Did you hear about the blind prostitute?

Well, you got to hand it to her.

I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainer.


I had to say - "Ok, this isn't working out."

I just slapped Dwayne Johnson's ass.

I guess I've hit Rock Bottom.

If I was addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?

According to archaeologists, for millions of years Neanderthal man was not fully erect.


That's pretty easy to understand considering how ugly Neanderthal woman was.

I was getting chatted up by a bird in the boozer last night.
She said, "Have you got a nickname?".
"Yes," I said, "They call me sledge".
"Oh, is that cos you are sleek & fast?", she replied.
I answered, "No...its because I get pulled by dogs!".
And thats when the fight started!!!

One day a man is walking down the street when he sees an old man with a nice looking dog.
He goes over to the man and asks: 'does your dog bite?' the old man replies 'No never'.
When the man bends down to stroke the dog, it immediately takes a snap at his hand.
The man says 'I thought you said your dog did not bite! 'I did' replies the old man,
but this isn't my dog!'

This farmer had a wife who nagged him all the time. One day while he was outside plowing the field, she came out and started nagging him.
While she was doing this, the mule kicked her and she died. At the funeral, the ladies came up and talked to the farmer.
The farmer nodded his head "yes". The men came up and talked to him and the farmer nodded his head "no”.
Well this other man wondered why he nodded his head "yes" to the ladies and "no" to the men.
Then, he went up to the farmer and asked him why. The farmer replied,” Well, when the ladies came up,
they told me how pretty my wife's dress was and how pretty she looked. When the men came up, they asked,
’ That mule for sale?'

An Old man went to the doctor complaining of a terrible pain in his leg.
“I am afraid it’s just old age”, replied the doctor, “there is nothing we can do about it.”
“That can’t be” fumed the old man, “you don’t know what you are doing.”
“How can you possibly know I am wrong?” countered the doctor.
“Well it’s quite obvious,” the old man replied, “my other leg is fine,
and it’s the exact same age!”