Jokes

The nurse looked at the patient and said, "I've never seen this before. I'mbringing in the doctor."The doctor said, "I've never seen anything like this before. I'm showingyou to the specialist."The specialist said, "My god, I've never seen the like!""What is it, something serious?" asked the patient."Not really, it's just that we've never treated a ginger in our STD clinicbefore

I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since

I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed

What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament?

Live stream

Five surgeons were talking about the best patients...

First surgeon says, "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything on the inside is numbered."

Second surgeon says, "Nah - librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

Third surgeon responds, "Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is colour coded!"

Fourth surgeon intercedes," I prefer lawyers.They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and butts are interchangeable."

To which the fifth surgeon, who has been quietly listening to the conversation, says, "I like engineers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face. The Irishman decides to crawl the four blocks to his home.

When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time, he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed. He is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"

"Why do you say that?" he asks innocently.

"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."

There’s a guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour.

Soon, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand seeing a man crying.

“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I’m late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen.”

“The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar.”

“And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison”

“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub.

So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

Knock Knock
Who's There?
Do U Want 2 Cd's
Do U Want 2 Cd's Who?
Do U Want 2 C Deez Nutz

Knock Knock!
Who's There?
May I come in?
May I come in who?
May I come in you!

Knock Knock!
Who's There?
Asshole!
Asshole who!
Open the door and find out asshole!

"I lost my virginity under a bridge.

I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at the World Cup - just happy to be there."