Jokes

Paddy's wife was ready to give birth so he rushed her to hospital.

On arrival the nurse asks: "How dilated is she?"

To which Paddy replies: "Oh Jaysus, we're both over the feckin' moon!"

A man is sitting in the pub when an Asian looking man comes and sits next to him.

Excuse me but are you an expert in karate or kung fu ? Asks the first man.

No I'm not says the Asian man, are you racially stereotyping me that because I'm Chinese I must be an expert at martial arts ?

No says the first man,, it's just that it's my pint you just drunk and I was wondering if it was safe to punch you.

A man is riding along a golf course when his golf buggy flips over.

As he pulls himself out of the mangled wreckage a young woman appears.

Are you ok she asks, why don't you come back to my place and I'll check you over, I live just over there.

Ok says the man but I can't stay long I don't think my wife would like it.

Back at the woman's house she treats his cuts and bruises, then she offers him a drink.

Ok, but only one says the man, I don't think my wife would like it.

After a few drinks the woman starts to unbutton her blouse and asks the man if he would like to join her in the bedroom.

You are very attractive says the man, but I don't think my wife would like it.

You worry about your wife too much says the woman, where is she anyway ?

I suppose she is still stuck under the golf cart replies the man.

What does an air conditioner have in common with a computer? They both lose efficiency as soon as you open windows.

Three football teams (Arsenal, Liverpool, and Hartsfield) are flying from England across Egypt for a match in the Middle East. Their plane crashes in the desert and they survive. After days of wandering, they are really hungry so when they come across a camel, the footballers decide to kill it and eat it. The Liverpool team says, "Because we play for Liverpool, will we eat the liver." The Hartsfield players decide, "Because we play for Hartsfield, we will eat the heart." Arsenal says, "I think we might go hungry..."

A hi-tech computer company were having problems with their data.
They'd save it all at the end of the day and go home. The next morning they'd switch on and find that all yesterday's stuff had vanished because the computer had failed somehow. It kept on happening.
The Chief Technologist took the computer apart himself but couldn't find anything wrong.
The Head of Facilities thought it could be the mains so rang the electricity board and confirmed there were no spikes or power cuts.
The Chief of Security thought that it might be industrial espionage and checked the files of new recruits.
Eventually the Sales Manager warned the boss they were losing business so the Chief Of Security called in a CCTV company to set up cameras to watch the computer overnight,
They all went home wondering what would happen.
Sure enough the next morning they switched on to find that the computer had indeed broken down and all the data was lost once again.
Rubbing his hands with glee the Chief of Security gathered the boss, the Chief Technologist, the Sales Manager and the Head of Facilities to watch the CCTV film.
Gathered together 'round the screen they watched the computer on it's desk for an hour as the tape played. Suddenly the lights in the office clicked on, the Chief of Security was beside himself. He'd show them that only he could get to the bottom of things like this and watched as Mrs. MacDonald entered the shot, unplugged the computer, plugged in her hoover and vacuumed the room.

On a train from London to Manchester an Australian was berating the
Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You
think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me...

I'm ME! I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood and some
Aborigine blood. What do you say to that ?"

The Englishman replied, "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!"

The Sensuous Wife

With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse,and slowly reached down into the
cleavage created by a soft, silky push-upbra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"Uh... no, I haven't,"he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and
pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now," she said, "have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No way!" he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited.
"Well, go look in the garage," she said.

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three very large, leathered bikers walked in.
The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter.
The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter.
The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress,
"Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles."

A Personnel Director was conducting interviews for his new personal assistant. He asked the same question to each one of them :

Boss: "A woman normally has lips on 2 different places. What's the difference between the two?"

First Girl : "One is hairy, the other isn't !"
Boss: "OK, good

Second Girl: "One can talk but the other can't !"
Boss: "that's better!"

Third Girl: "One is vertical & the other is horizontal!"
Boss : "Hmm.. clever !"

Last Girl: "One is for my use & the other is for my Boss!"
Boss : "You are Hired!!!

An Italian Family

An Italian family is at the dinner table when the father says to his oldest son, "Tony! Why you a such a fat a boy?"
Tony says, "Poppa, it's a Mama's spaghetti! I can't a stop a eating it."
Poppa says, "You should a take a smaller bites!"

Then Poppa says to his middle son, "Michael! Why you a such a fat a boy?"
Michael says, "Poppa, it's a Mama's lasagna. I can't a stop a eating it, it's a so good."
Poppa says, "You should a also take a smaller bites."

Then Poppa says to his youngest son, "Fredo! How you a stay so slim a and a trima?"
Fredo says, "It's a so easy, Poppa. I eat a lots and lots of a pussy."
Poppa says, "Pussy? Pussy, that's a taste like shit!"
Fredo says, "Poppa, You should a take a smaller bites!"