Jokes

How are we supposed to social distance in a restaurant?

Is the waitress supposed to Frisbee the plates to the customers?

This is the first year I can’t have a summer holiday in the Bahamas because of Covid19.

I normally can’t have a holiday in the Bahamas because I’m too poor.

You gotta hand it to short people….

Mainly because they can’t reach.

Just tested positive for a ‘big ass’.

Looks like I now need to social distance myself from the kitchen.

Just resigned from my job as a gynecologist.

I kept getting tunnel vision.

Coronavirus has strained many marriages but I’m blessed to be with a loving wife.

Just the other morning when I woke up she was holding a pillow over my face to protect me from Covid 19.

Just got a letter from Screwfix.

Turns out they are not a dating agency

A Frenchman moves to England and gets a job on a building site.

The foreman talks to him in the hut and then takes him 'round the site to meet the lads and explains that, ''I need to introduce you to them so's you get on, sometimes the guys'll get a bit touchy with a new chap.''

''This is Peter'' says the foreman, ''he's the most experienced bloke here so we call him The Knack cos he'll know the best way to do things''.

Around a corner they meet a bricklayer. ''This is Dave, he used to be a copper though so we call him Nick'' advised the foreman.

Up a ladder they meet another guy and the foreman introduces him saying, ''this is Seamus''.
''Shameooous?'' Queried the Frenchman, ''ev nevr 'erd the werd''.
''Yeah, he's Irish see but don't worry, we call all of them Paddy so that's his name here.''

Over at the mixer is the final guy. ''This 'ear's Wack, see he's a scouser see so we call 'im that'' explained the foreman.

''Ok I've leave you to it Jacques, I've got paperwork to do.'' With that the foreman leaves the new recruit in the yard and goes back to the hut.

A bit later the foreman looks up from his desk when he hears a commotion outside. He opens the hut door to see the builders have set upon Jacques and whilst one holds him the others are beating seven shades out of him.

The foreman yells at them, ''Nick, Knack, Paddy, Wack, leave the Frog alone''

I asked my grandma if she had ever tried 69.

She said, “No, but I have done 53 — that’s all the sailors I could screw in one night.”

These three married couples died and when they got to the pearly gates. St.Peter told the first husband, “I can’t let you in. You let alcohol ruin your life. You even married a girl named Sherry.” Dejected, he turned and walked away.

The next married couple stepped up, and St.Peter told the husband, “Can’t let you in sir. While you were on earth, you allowed money to ruin your life. You even married a girl named Penny.” The guy hung his head, turned and walked away.

The husband of the third couple waiting in line, overheard both conversations and said, “Come on, Fanny, he’s not going to let us in either.”