Jokes

A man dies, and his wife gets him cremated. She takes the ashes home and starts talking to them.

“You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money.

You know the new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money.”

Then she whispers, “You know that blow job I promised you? Well, here it comes.”

Woman: Can I get Viagra here?

Pharmacist: Yes.

Woman: Can I get it over the counter?

Pharmacist: If you give me two of them, you can.

During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan.

They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her.

At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walking out, the husband cries out, “Watch out for the wall!”

Shortly after having her ninth baby, an Irish Catholic woman runs into her parish priest.

He congratulates her on the new offspring and says, “Nine children is certainly a full house.”

“Well,” she replies, “I don’t know how I get pregnant so often. It must be something in the air.”

“Yes,” says the priest, “your legs.”

A nun and a priest are trekking across the desert on a camel when the camel suddenly dies leaving them stranded.

After several days of waiting to be rescued without success they realise they are doomed.

The priest says to the nun, I have never seen a woman naked, I would really like to see one before I die.

The nun thinks about it and says ok and strips.
The priest soon gets aroused.

The nun then says to the priest, I have never seen a naked man , would you repay the favour and strips for me ?

The priest readily agrees, taking his clothes off and standing naked before the nun.

What's that thing standing up between your legs ? She asks.

That's a gift from God replies the priest, if I stick it in you, it will create life.

Forget about me says the nun, stick it in the camel and get us out of here.

I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.

They quickly arrested me.

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think its cute.

I just think it's crazy how many people bring knives on a date.

I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.

To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run.

My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water."

I know he means well.