Jokes

A husband is walking behind his wife and says "love, your bottom is getting so big it looks like an old washing machine". The woman decides to stay quiet and keeps on walking
Bedtime comes around and the husband starts to feel amorous.
The wife says "I'm not starting the old washing machine for such a small load, you'll have to do it by hand!"

Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring.

The doctor says I’m OK, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young son’s innocence, the mother turns around and says, “Don’t worry. That was an insect.”

To which one of the boys replies, “I’m surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!”

What do a guy and a car have in common?

They both have an ability to misfire.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are in an elevator.

They all are standing there awkwardly until one of them spots a stain on the carpet. T

he redhead says “it looks like cum”.

The brunette smells it and says “it smells like cum”.

The blonde goes and licks it and says ” nobody in this building”.

My friend got fired from the sperm bank because they caught him drinking on the job.

Boy: “Want to hear a joke about my dick? Never mind, it’s too long.”

Girl: “Wanna hear a joke about my pussy? Never mind, you won’t get it.”

If you don’t believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

A classic Tommy Cooper gag: "I said to the gym teacher: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: 'I can't make Tuesdays.'"

"Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common?' I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.

Two aerials get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.

I went to the doctor the other day and said: "Have you got anything for wind?" So he gave me a kite.

I rang up BT and said: "I want to report a nuisance caller." The operator said: "Not you again."

I'm emotionally constipated. I haven't given a shit in days.