Jokes

What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?

The taste!

This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

You know what?" "What dear," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck....."

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.

"What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush,something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says... "You idiot!" "You're sitting on the mop bucket!

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.

He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

I have decided I might as well sell my Hoover.

It's just collecting dust.

Last night I saw a man playing Dancing Queen on the didgeridoo

I thought that's Abbariginal.

I saw an advert in the newsagents window.

50inch HD TV for sale. Volume stuck on Maximum. Hence only £5

I thought I can't turn that down.

What did the penis say to the condom?

Cover me, I’m going in

Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.

They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch.

A man goes to a £10 sex worker and contracts crabs.

When he goes back to complain, the sex worker laughs and says, "What do you expect for £10? - Lobster?"