Jokes

How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from!

After dinner last night, my wife asked if I could clear the table.

I needed a running start, but I made it!

I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.

The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity!

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna one, Anna two

My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him

But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey', she said, 'you received a very strange post card today'.

'Oh, really? Let me see...', he said. The wife gave it to him and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: 'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without. Send extra sauce.'

All countries eventually got coronavirus

But China got it right off the bat.

If you cannot find your dog, open the fridge door.

He’s standing right behind you.

I ordered an extension course, “How to Deal With Life’s Disappointments”.

Yesterday, I got the first lesson by post.

It was an empty envelope.

A man walks into a police station and announces, “My wife’s gone missing.”

The police officer says, “OK sir, we’ll help you. Since when has your wife been missing?”

The man replies, “Since about a month ago.”

The police officer is shocked, “What? A month?! Why on Earth are you coming only now?!”

“Well… I’ve no clothes to put on anymore.”