Jokes

What is the worst combination of illnesses?

Alzheimer’s and diarrhea.

You’re running, but can’t remember where.

One shop owner asks another, “So, have you had any reactions yet to your ad that you’re looking for a night guard?”

“Yeah, we got robbed last ight.”

Two men talking on a bus:

“I’ve been riding this bus to work for 15 years now.”

“Lord Almighty, where did you get on?!”

2 men with shotguns are out hunting in the woods when one of them collapses.

His friend rings 999 and says help , i think my mate has just dropped dead.

Don't panic says the operator, just make sure there is no sign of life and get back to me.

The operator then hears a loud bang then the man returns.

Ok, he really is dead, now what he replies.

You don't need a parachute to go skydiving.

You do need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

I invented a new word!

Plagiarism!

Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

A woman in labour suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”


“Don’t worry,” said the doc. “Those are just contractions.”

Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?

He was just going through a stage.

Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?

They always take things literally.