Jokes

in america,a man dressed as his dead mother for six years,to claim her state pension.everyone was shocked-but they,d have suspected him much sooner over here.elderly brits never last six years on state pension.

I was walking through a field today when I noticed a scarecrow trying to have a wank.
"Impossible!" I thought.
"He's just clutching at straws".

When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.  So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.   Her natural beauty took his breath away. 
‘I may look like just an ordinary man,’ he said as he walked up to her, ‘but in just a week or two my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars.’ 
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening. 
Three days later, she became his stepmother.

A lot of people have stated that David Beckham is a hypocrite portraying himself as the ideal family man after having an affair with Rebbecca Loos whilst he was at Madrid. I think it showed he was a model professional footballer who had respect for his managers authority.

When Carlos Quiroz(Madrid manager at the time) said that he did not want players having sex with their wife's between important games I think David Beck ham Genuinely misunderstood the man.

A man wearing a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun. ‘Open the fuckin safe!’ he yells at the girl behind the counter. 
‘But we're not a real bank’ replies the girl. ‘This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money’. 
‘Don't argue just open the safe or I'll blow your fuckin head off!’ 
She obliges and opens the safe door. 
‘Take one of the bottles and drink it!’ ‘But it's full of sperm’ the girl replies nervously.  ‘Don't argue, just drink it’ he says. 
She prises off the cap and gulps it down.  ‘Take out another one and drink it too!’ he demands. The girl drinks another one. Suddenly the guy pulls off the balaclava and to the girl's amazement it's her husband ...
‘Not that fucking difficult, is it?’ he says.

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. ‘Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!’  
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, ‘What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?’
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.  
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, ‘Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.’

I remember once when I was told by the bank to set up a 6 digit security number for the phone account.

So I thought I know what how about if I use the number of times I had sex? that should be easy to remember. But unfortunately that required an 8 digit number so I told the bank manager my conundrum in trying to find a number easy to remember. So she said what about limiting to the times when there was actually someone else their doing it with you? So now I only have the problem of having one digit outside zero in my security number, to remember.

a bloke goes to the opticians for a check-up on his eyes.after a few hours of rigorous tests,the optician give him the results."well,the good news is you dont need glasses"says the optician"oh thats a relief" says the bloke"whats the bad news?" "yur going blind"

what is the difference between a crane and a giraffe?
one has hydraulics the other high bollocks.

a rabbit manages to break free from a scientific research laboratory and soon finds a warren of wild rabbits.he joins them and spends all day eating grass,stealing carrots and lettuce from a farmers field and mating like crazy with all the doe,s.however as evening falls he leaves his new friends and heads back to the lab."hey ,whats the matter"says one of the bunnies"dont you like it here?".yeah i love it,replies the lab rabbit,but im dying for a cigarette"