Jokes

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Aye matey.

All in a night’s work

A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.’ The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly. ‘Paint…my….house.’

An exercise for people who are out of shape:

Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute, and then relax.

After a few weeks, move up to ten-pound potato bags.

Then try 50-pound potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag

Me: What’s the Wi-Fi password?

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: OK, I’ll have a Coke.

Bartender: Three pounds.

Me: There you go. So what’s the Wi‑Fi password?

Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first.” No spaces, all lowercase.

Don't interrupt someone working intently on a puzzle.

Chances are, you'll hear some crosswords.

I'm a big fan of whiteboards.

I find them quite re-markable.

What did Neil Armstrong say when no one laughed at his moon jokes?

“I guess you had to be there.”

I ate a clock yesterday,

it was very time-consuming.

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would you let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"

The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "It would have to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, whom is only 1 foot tall, and beside him a little piano. The piano man starts playing classical music like Beethoven and Chopin.

Once he finishes, the bartender is in utter disbelief. He tells the man "You can have free drinks for the rest of the night, but only if you tell where you got this." The man says "In the alley way behind your bar, there is a Genie who is granting free wishes to everyone who wants them." Elated, the bartender heads behind his bar to see if it was true.

A few minutes passed and out of the alleyway erupts a cacophony of quacking. The bartender rushes back into the bar and shuts his door against a wave of thousands of ducks. He manages to secure the door and says to the man "I think that the Genie is hard of hearing, because after I asked for a million bucks, these ducks appeared by the thousands." The man chuckles and says "Did you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?"

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words.

She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect!

Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.