Jokes

Interviewer: You've got no experience or qualifications. Why do you think you should be paid so much money if you get this job?

Candidate: Well the jobs much harder if you don't know what you're doing.

A kid walks by his parents having sex asks what’s going on and his mother tells him, “We are making fishsticks“.

The next day the kid says, “Mom were you making fishsticks again?” And she says “Why, yes, how did you know, honey?”

And the kid replies, “Well, you have a little tarter sauce on your mouth.”

A big city doctor visits an Indian tribe full of men, he asks “How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?”

“Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we’ll show you.”

The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says “Since you’re our guest you get to go first.”

The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey. Then a man in the group asks “Are you almost done Doc?” “We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women.”

Man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his penis.

Lady asks, “What are you?”

He says, “I’m a fireman.”

“But you’re only wearing a glass jar,” says the woman.

He says, “Exactly, in an emergency, break glass.” Pull knob and I’ll cum as fast as I can!”

A girl goes into the doctor’s office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red ‘H’ on her chest.

“How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he’s so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue ‘Y’ on her chest.

“How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green ‘M’ on her chest.

“Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?” asks the doctor. “No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?”

A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large.

She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she is embarrassed and does not want anyone to find out.

The doctor agrees.

She wakes up from the operation and finds three roses carefully placed on her nightstand. Outraged, she immediately calls the doctor and says ” I told you not to tell anyone!”

The doctor replies, “Don’t worry, I didn’t tell a soul!” When the woman inquires about the roses the doctor says, “Oh, those! The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself.

The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me with your operation and has been through this procedure herself, so she understands what you’re going through.

And the third rose is from the guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears

A woman and baby are in the doctors office.

The doc is concerned about the babys weight, “Is he bottle fed or breast fed? The woman replies, “Breast fed.”

The doc gets her to strip down to her waist so he can examine her breasts. He pinches her nipples and sucks and rubs both boobs for a while …

“No wonder the baby is underweight, you have no milk.”

Woman replies, “I know, Im his granny … but Im glad I came!”

Gimme a beer joke

A man walks into a bar in Downtown Manhattan and says to the bartender, “Gimme a beer before the problems start!“

The man then downs the beer in one before asking the bartender for another, once again saying, “Gimme a beer before the problems start!“

Naturally the bartender is a little wary of this guy but he pours him another beer nevertheless.

This goes on for a while, each time with the guy saying, “Gimme a beer before the problems start!“

After the fifth beer the bartender is really becoming bewildered by this guy’s approach, so he asks, “Hey buddy, when are you going to pay for all these beers?“

To which the guy responds, “This is where the problems start!“

The Hitman

Bill is at the funeral of an old High School friend in Manhattan.

They’re all standing in the graveyard gathering their thoughts after the coffin has been lowered, when Bill notices Jim, another old friend from his High School days.

“Hello Jim” says Bill.

“Hello buddy, it’s been a long time. How are you?” asks Jim.

Bill responds positively but he’s puzzled as to why Jim is carrying an attaché case at a funeral.

“What’s in the case?” asks Bill.

“Oh, this is a tool of my trade.” says Jim.

“What do you mean? What sort of tool is it?” asks Bill.

“It’s a high velocity rifle.” says Jim.

“Now why would you need a high velocity rifle?” asks Bill.

“Because I’m a hitman.” says Jim.

“Dream on! You’re yanking my chain, surely?” says Bill.

“I’m serious” says Jim, “I make my living as a hitman. Take a look.”

With that Jim opens the attaché case to show he does indeed have a high velocity rifle complete with telescopic sight and silencer.

“Wow” says Bill, “Can I take a closer look at that?”

“Sure!” says Jim. With that he assembles the rifle, fits the telescopic sight and then passes it across to Bill.

Bill lifts the rifle to his shoulder and peers through the telescopic sight. “Wow! This is amazing. I can see everything so clearly.”

“Impressive, eh?” says Jim.

“Yes sir. I can see right across Central Park. I can even see my own apartment on Central Park West.” says Bill. “Wait a minute I can see right through my bedroom window and I can see my wife’s having sex with my neighbour.”

“Really?” says Jim.

“Yeah, really!” says Bill. “How much do you charge for a hit?”

“Well I charge $10,000 dollars per shot but with this telescopic sight I only ever need one shot to hit the target.” says Jim.

“Right!” says Bill. “I’ll have two. I want you to shoot her right through the head and I want you to shoot him in the genitals.”

So Jim takes the rifle, puts it so his shoulder, peers down the lens of the telescopic sight and carefully starts taking aim. However he then seems to take an age, as he starts waving the rifle barrel around and keeps adjusting the line of sight.

As he waits, Bill starts getting increasingly agitated as he thinks about what’s going on in his apartment.

“What’s going on now?” he asks, clearly freaking out. “What are they doing? Why are you taking so long? Why are you hesitating?”

“Have patience my friend”, says Jim. “I’m trying to save you ten grand.”