Jokes

What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?

A trip without kids.

I tried to buy a Mortal Kombat soundtrack.

All I could find were Finnish Hymns.

I saw something strange on TV the other day, a man was dressed as a freezer and he was trying out to be a stand up comedian

It didn't work out though, he got a frosty reception

My granddad always used to say, “As one door closes another one opens.”

Great guy, terrible cabinet maker.

At a family breakfast the following conversation takes place between a dad and his 7 year old son.

Son: Daddy what are those big round things on mummies chest?”

Dad: They’re balloons son. When mummy dies we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.”

Son: Really? Because Uncle Frank was blowing them up yesterday and mummy kept saying “Oh God, I’m coming” but she didn’t float anywhere!

Got thrown out a Strip club last night for using monopoly money.

I don’t see why I should pay real money to see fake boobs.

Just been arrested by the police after recently being given the part of Romeo in my local theater.

The script clearly said ‘Enter Juliet from behind’.

Can’t believe what a rip-off Ebay is.

Just wasted £120 on a penis enlarger.

This guy just sent me a magnifying glass and a piece of paper that said “Do not use in sunlight”.

I have entered a tube of KY jelly into this year's Booker prize competition.

I hope to win in the non friction category.

What did the guy say when he got caught masturbating to an optical illusion?

“It’s not what it looks like!”