Jokes

Priti Patel is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car. Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.

Priti, in her usual bullying manner, says to the chauffeur: 'You get out and check - you were driving.'

The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.

'You were driving; go and tell the farmer, ' says Priti.

Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled, with a big grin on his face.

'My goodness, what happened to you?' asks Priti.

The chauffeur replies: ' When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me. '

'What on earth did you say?' asks Priti.

'I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them: I'm Priti Patel's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.'

An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?

There was nothing left but de Brie.

Which rock group has four guys who can’t sing or play instruments?



Mount Rushmore.

Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you criticize them, you’ll be a mile away, and you’ll have their shoes.

I saw a frisbee in flight and I was wondering why it seemed to be getting bigger.


Then it hit me.

How can you find out if Will Smith's been out in the snow?

Follow the fresh prints.

A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for books about paranoia.

She whispers, "They're right behind you!"

What should you do if you're attacked by a group of clowns?

Go straight for the juggler.