Jokes

What do you call an expert fisherman?

A Master Baiter

How is virginity like a soap bubble?

One prick and it’s gone

What does tofu and a dildo have in common?

They are both meat substitutes

A dentist couldn't get an erection on his wedding night so he used his finger. Wife, "What's this?" Dentist, "Nothing honey, just a temporary filling."

3 men captured by female savages, are told their penis's would be removed in a manner appropriate to their jobs.
1st was a lumberjack so his would be chopped off.
2nd was a butcher so his would be sliced off.
3rd man started laughing. "whats so funny?" asked the females. he replied "i work for DYSON

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, so we're stoning her in the morning.

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband Tom had a terrible bicycle wreck, and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord Tom is out of the hospital, and the doctors say that with time his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said "I'm Tom." The entire congregation held its breath..

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum.

Someone called me pretty today

Well, the whole sentence was "you're pretty annoying" but i only focus on the positive things

What did the tie say to the hat?

You go on ahead, I'm just going to hang around.

Dirty Johnny climbs onto Santa's lap at the department store.

Santa says, "I'll bet I know what you want for Christmas." And with his index finger he taps the boy on the nose with every letter he spells, "T-O-Y-S."

The little boy answers, "No, I have enough toys."

Santa tries again, tapping Johnny's nose with every letter, "C-A-N-D-Y."

Again, Johnny says, "No, I have all kinds of candy."

"Well, what would you like for Christmas?" Santa asks. Johnny replies, tapping Santa on the nose, "P-U-S-S-Y. And don't tell me you don't have any because I can smell it on your finger!"