Jokes

A priest walks up to the hotel counter and says, "I'm here for the religious convention. I hope all your porn channels are disabled."
The hotel clerk says, "No, they're all regular porn, you sick fuck."

A girl goes to the doctor with her knees all cut up.
The doctor says, "What happened to your knees?"
She says, "It's from making love doggie-style."
He says, "Don't you know any other position besides doggie style?"
She says, "Yeah ... but my doggie don't."

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor’s pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics.

He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor’s house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, ‘Did you hear that Fluffy died?’ The guy stammers and says, ‘Um…no…um…what happened?’.

The neighbor replies, ‘We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!’

A boy comes home from school at 7pm, His dad says "where were you?

"I was with Jessica." He replied.

"What were you doing?"

"We were studying."

After picking a snack off the table the son says "These fishcakes are lovely."

Dad replies "Wash your hands son; they're fucking donuts."

A woman walked into the pharmacy and asked for a vibrator.
The pharmacist gestured with his index finger and said, "Come this way."
The woman replied, "If I could come that way, I wouldn't need a vibrator!"

What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?


The Christmas alphabet has Noel.

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the gates of heaven.

"In honor of this holy season," he said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "This represents a candle," he said.

"Very well, you may pass through the pearly gates," said Saint Peter.

The second man reached into his pockets and pulled out a set of keys. They jingled as he shook them and he said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said, "You may also enter heaven."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. Saint Peter looked at the man, puzzled. "And just what do those symbolize?" he asked with a raised eyebrow.

The man replied, "These are Carol's."

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

Why was the snowman looking through the carrots?

He was picking his nose!