Jokes

why are men like cars?
cuz thet always pull out before theve checked to see if anyone else is comming

whats slimy,long and smells like pork?
kermit the frogs finger

Manchester City have just offered £40,000,000 for the balloon that has just scored for Sunderland against Liverpool.

I was a very happy man.
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me...
It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was
near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

thanks mate lmao

Anyone else found that the worst part of being caught wanking by your girlriend is explaining that its technically her fault?

So there is this angel that tells you if you're going to heaven or hell.
So the angel is doing his job and then a priest comes by. The angel says why are you going to hell aren't you a priest.
So then the priest starts to tell his story. So one day I left in the middle of church because I knew my wife was cheating during this time. I go in the bathroom and see my wife smoking and she only does that when shes done having sex.
So I look around and see a guy hanging from my balcony so I hammered his fingers. He fell but survived because he landed on bushes.
Then I took my fridge and dropped it on him. After feeling bad for killing him i committed suicide. That's how I died. Then the angel let him pass to hell.
Next a Flat guy came. The angel asked how did you become flat.So the guy told his story. I was dusting my carpet on my balcony. Then a strong wind blew me and my carpet, but luckily I was able to hang on the balcony below me. But then a guy comes out of nowhere and hammers my fingers. I then fall in a bush. The next thing I know the guy throws his fridge on me. The angel then lets him pass.
Next the angel meets a naked guy. The angel asks why are you naked. So the guy told his story. So I was having sex with this guy's wife. Then I heard the door starting to open so the guy's wife told me to hide. I run and decided to hide in his fridge. Next thing that happens it starts moving and I die.

Don't marry a tennis player - love means nothing to them.

ive got a new game for facebook,its called fatherhood,you dump the baby on the mrs and fuckoff down the pub

Worry is when your wife is pregnant.

Panic is when your girlfriend is pregnant.

Terror is when they're both pregnant.

Tragedy is when youre responsible for neither.